I've been thinking a lot about boundaries and fear lately.
Upon exiting my teenage years, I realized how valuable boundaries are. Growing up a Jehovah's Witness, it was really hard to establish these boundaries as we had to disclose a lot of information with people who really didn't deserve that information. Once I stopped going to the meetings, I immediately felt a sense of relief and freedom, with this newfound liberation, I began throwing those walls up that I wasn't allowed to have before. Now, in my late twenties, I realize that I may have overdone it a bit. I've been called "mean", a bitch, slow to trusting, and overly-cautious, qualities that I find to be valuable as I feel I am always armored and protected against the bullshit of the world. My fiancé has often tried to get me to let my guard down a bit, but as I say often when we have this discussion "It's HAAAARRRD!" I've always been a firm believer in therapy, I've seen a therapist on and off since I stopped going to religious meetings and my current therapist has been the most helpful. When I express to her how hard it is for me to trust people and loosen up on the boundaries I've so carefully constructed as a result of my upbringing, she asks, "well, what's the harm in trusting people and doing what you're afraid of?" I throw my hands up on camera, as we conduct sessions online and say jokingly, "Everything! What if! What if I get screwed over? What if I get hurt? I'll have wasted precious time on this person, situation, etc. and there's nothing I hate more than wasting my time!" I usually back up these statements with facts about my life as a free woman, I've been smart, I've been safe, you name it, but I've also missed out. "It's okay to have boundaries, any boundary you create for yourself is reasonable, your feelings are always reasonable. But take what you're afraid of, and try doing it ANYWAYS." My therapist always says this, and the first time I heard it, I had nothing to say back. This was a new one for me. I feel like this is a quote from a commercial, or some advert for a sneaker, it's so simple, but so true. Boundaries are created for protection, but they should never be created out of fear, especially the fear of "what if?". My fiancé always says that if I was having a good time at ANY point, it wasn't wasted time, and I'm trying to remember that. I don't think it's wrong to be assertive (a.k.a. "a bitch") or have boundaries, but I think that I might start creating them with caution. Asking questions like, "why am I really creating this boundary?" or "am I doing this out of fear?" are important when evaluating whether a boundary is necessary. Just a thought...
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